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Yes, that's right, the game is called BDSM. But before you reach for the phone and yell that there should not be a game based on the X-rated general terminology BDSM is understood to mean, you should understand that in this case, BDSM has been used as a catchy, and naughty, game title to catch the eye the way FCUK did for the clothing company. 

BDSM is a little more than saucy in places, but please do not under any circumstances Google BDSM Computer Game without using the game's full name; I made this mistake and the result was far more than anything I want to remember. So now you know that, fire up the PS4, settle back in your favourite gaming chair, and go to HELL! 

BIG DRUNK SATANIC MASSACRE: WELCOME to HELL
The designers want you to play and replay this game over and over and so they have set it up with five levels of difficulty:

a). Take it Easy - this is the easiest version where you should have no trouble at all in completing all your tasks and defeating the creatures and monsters sent to kill you - If you believe this is easy there's a couple of Bridges in London and some wonderful agricultural land in Florida I can interest you in. This, of course, is the only one that your wimpy GGO reviewer (ie. me) can get anywhere with.

 

b). Bring it On - Less healing and ammunition, slightly harder monsters.

c). Challenge time - as above but not as good for the player.

d). I Am Death - I think you can guess how tough this from those three 'sweet' words in the title.

e). Hell is Mine - if you thought 'I Am Death' was tough be prepared for several very short games and many quick deaths.

 

All movement is by the twin joysticks of the PS4 controller. This includes camera angles, moving forwards, backwards, sideways etc and aiming. In the easy mode you have a laser sight, shown as a beam from your weapon, but trying to control the very sensitive sticks and aim it at a moving monster is not that easy, especially when you are being surrounded by several smaller critters and approached by 3-4 large monsters. I really struggle to turn my demon character around and continue firing as I have arthritis in thumbs and fore-fingers which is usually a major problem for me in these types of games. 

 

However, possibly because I played mainly on the easy experience level, I managed to discover/create a great way of surviving. 

At first you only have the permanently reloading pistol. It has 20 bullets and as soon as it empties it reloads itself; plus there are loads of ammo boxes to be found, plus healing bottles and Milk machines. Yep, you heard/read right, Milk machines; your character may be demonic but he cannot resist a good bottle of Milk.

As you play you collect 'rage' points that fill up your Rage Meter. When it is full you can unleash it on your opponents and although it only lasts a few seconds, after taking quite a while to fill up, it devastates and obliterates anything it comes into contact with.

 

Also throughout the game you can locate various different weapons that when picked up automatically place themselves in your hands as your weapon of choice. You can easily change this by pressing 'Y' and select what you want from the inventory ring. All guns auto refill/reload while you have bullets available for them - you never run out of bullets for the pistol - and the ammunition caches/boxes you find are only used up when you can take the majority of what they hold. Another great thing and very useful it is too, is that these ammunition boxes always hold the correct ammunition for whatever weapon you happen to be holding at the time.

 

First off I found a Shotgun and although slightly slower than the pistol to use it has a spread shot which can take out 2-3 opponents at the same time with one shot instead of the one shot per regular creature your pistol can manage. In fact after finding the automatic rifle, not long after grabbing the Shotgun, I was in two minds as to which was better; eventually deciding on the Rifle.

So my way of surviving, and it worked most of the time - I only died once because I was talking to a friend at the same time as playing and I lost focus - is to back into a corner and keep firing without aiming. I just stand there and let the monsters come to me, and they do until there are no more in the room/area. 

 

Throughout the burning red 'dungeon-labyrinth' that is Hell there are gates that you can open by just getting close to them and pressing 'X'. Then there are the gates that you cannot open no matter how you try so you obviously need a key of some sort. Well that's not exactly true, you don't need a key you need to find the statue of the three-breasted goddess and then headbutt the central breast (I told you this gets seriously saucy) which then slides into the statue and opens a gate that is usually located in another chamber. To date, every gate that hasn't opened on my command has been opened by me feeling a right t*t (well a central t*t to be honest).

 

Like many adventure games you earn bonus points and cash (there's nothing as happy as a demonic figure prancing around in glee collecting Dollars) that can be used to good effect for upgrading your character, either by making him able to carry more Ammo, have more Health, enable a longer Rage effect or hold more Milk of Health (you begin by only being able to hold 2 amounts). Milk fills your Health bar when you run over a bottle found in a room/chamber or when you press 'X' next to a large Milk Bottle shaped machine.

 

So why is Lou (aka Lucifer, aka your character) running around Hell fighting off imps and big bad demons? The answer is pretty obvious really if you come to think of it (though if you do actually come to think of it then you really do have somekind of weird imagination). What really happened (honestly) is that many years back an attendant in a not-so-busy Gas Station was sitting on the loo 'reading' a top-shelf magazine from the shop part of the Gas Station. During a really exciting climax to the story the waters below him swirled and swirled and a portal down to Hell opened up. Instead of hordes of demons and their like coming up through the portal to ravage humanity, humans went through the portal in droves and took it over, the Gas Station attendant opened the Big Wac chain of fast food joints while the rest of the invaders opened all manner of entertainments, coffee bars, massage parlours (okay they were already there), hotels and vacation/theme parks, basically having a hell of a good time.

Lou is a bit of a drunkard who spends most of the time sitting in a bar wearing little more than just a large pair of Y-Fronts, and then he had an epiphany (this is not a fancy cocktail, it's a brain blip of an idea) so he decided to set things straight and take Hell back from the humans. This is when he discovers that the juicy burgers from Big Wacs are made from Lou's buddies; Two minced demon patties, lettuce, tomato, cheese, special sauce, onions and pickle - all on a sesame seed bun.

 

When Lou (ie you) meet up with one of the sexy Succubi you are plunged into a short but energetic mini-game in which you are egged on by the Sexy Sprite to waggle your joystick faster and faster as you watch an explosion build up on the computer screen as your temptress moans and groans in the background. This isn't the only mini-game you will find.

The thing about BDSM is that it is so tongue-in-cheek and so far beyond anything a normal (red bloodied male) person could take offence at that if there is any naughty amusement it is only played out in your head - there is no doubt that the Politically Correct brigade will brand this as a sexist game aimed at male players over 18.

 

BDSM doesn't just run on these sexy situations, there are some other disturbingly alternative and satirical comedy, such as stimulating Non-Hitler while he is wearing fishnet stockings and stroking the barrel of a Panzer; and from here on (and before) it is just weirder and weirder, but always so enjoyably amusing and stopping just short of being cringingly crude. I still say don't search BDSM Game on Google unless you really want crude and nasty beyond top shelf magazines.

It's naughty, it's fun, it's rude, it's fun!

© Chris Baylis 2011-2015